All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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