the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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