There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I'm determined to sit on that face.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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