Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
