My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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