Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
