that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
