you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
