I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
