Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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