New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Well I just put wine in my tea
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
