I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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