remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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