I think I won the penis lottery.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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