FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
