saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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