My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
