Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
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he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
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It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize