I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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