I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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