Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
