I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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