i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
