Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
