I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
