I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
