I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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