I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
third nipple confirmed
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
