do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
