he puts the penis in happiness.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
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She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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