I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
