I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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