Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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