When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
