those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
