my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
