everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
