yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
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And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
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There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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