this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
