who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You can't just leave with hair like that
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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