So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
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i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
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And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way