She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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