i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.