70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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