u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
