never play flip cup with pint glasses
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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