My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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