I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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