the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
