i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
