If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
