Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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