oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
