After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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