you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
