Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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