this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
