I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
