I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
