dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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